Of all the belief systems that drive the way we are and the way we behave, the drive to be a “people pleaser” is the one I’ve found many of its owners are already aware of.
It’s usually been there since childhood.
It may have been built from situations like our parents regularly reminding you that when in the company of adults, children should be seen and not heard (subtext: “we must please those adults”). And then afterwards we are praised for being so good.
Or perhaps by regularly observing something like the way your mother was openly praised and loved for the delicious meals she cooked your father (conclusion: “he loves her because she’s pleased him by making him the food he likes”).
And so, the very young us concludes that when we please them, this makes our parents love us, and this means we’re safe.
And this means a people pleaser is driven to avoid what might be unsafe for them: upsetting people.
As adults, we can usually see the false logic in this – our parents, in the vast majority of cases, love us unconditionally; their providing us with what we needed as toddlers was not actually dependent on our pleasing them!
But the Please People driver (Kahler, 1975) that we developed when young is deeply held and remains with us as adults, even though it may now be there only at a subconscious level.
This people pleasing driver is, of and in itself, neither a positive nor negative belief-system: in fact, if we have it, it’s likely to drivesus to behave in ways that may be helpful or unhelpful to us as adults.
Let’s explore it a bit further.
Recognising a People Pleasing Driver
People pleasers are pleasant, calm people to be around, and are often sociable with lots of friends.
They’re usually helpful, kind and generous – you’ll spot them sensing when help is needed and offering it, and when you ask them for help they will make it clear they are really happy and willing to do so.
They are generally very caring – they care about others and how they feel, and may well enter one of the caring professions as a result.
Because they want to ensure others are happy, and this means avoiding conflict or discomfort both for themselves and others, people pleasers will generally do what they can to encourage harmony: this can make them great team members, working to ensure all the different team members’ needs are met.
People pleasers are also generally concerned about “doing the right thing”, so are happy to follow rules, processes and procedures, and will reliably hit deadlines in both their work and personal life, to avoid upsetting others by missing something they’ve agreed to….even if the deadline is very tight.
The big hallmark of a people pleaser is that they almost never say no – to a request for help, to an invitation to an event… in fact, to anything. They are driven to say yes, because saying no might upset the person asking.
And in addition to not wanting to say no, they will also do whatever they can to avoid having to give difficult feedback, make a complaint or give someone disappointing news, which leads to a general lack of assertiveness.
And you’ll likely hear a people pleaser saying sorry a lot, as they have a tendency to apologise for anything that may possibly upset the person they’re with – even if it has nothing to do with them!
Likely Stressors for a People Pleaser
There are three key stressors for a People Pleaser.
The biggest source of anxiety for a people pleaser is being criticised or blamed for something, and it can be very difficult to let go of that criticism. Equally, you may feel anxious if people ignore you or “ghost” you, because you’re likely to tell yourself this must be because they are upset or unhappy with you in some way.
Facing situations in which assertiveness is required is another stressor. Whether this is being put in a position of authority where you may find it difficult to please everyone as you discharge the expectations of that role, needing to make a complaint about something that can’t be ignored, or having to stand in front of a group to make a presentation, the possibility that someone else could be upset, unhappy or in any way not pleased by what you’re doing causes you stress.
Finally, it’s very likely that you may become stressed as a result of feeling overwhelmed by taking on too much (as a result of never saying no), leading to working long hours and starting to feel resentful of the number of things you’re doing for others that are taking up your time….but which you don’t have the stomach to confront.
How People Pleasing May Lead to a Poor Work Life Balance and Burnout
Here’s a run down of how the workload often piles up for a people pleaser:
As a people pleaser, being assertive about saying no to anything is likely to be very difficult, as you want to show them you’re pleasing them and avoid any chance they’ll be upset with you, and this results in you not managing boundaries around your own needs.
At work, this can lead you to being willing to take part in meetings or events that you don’t really need or want to be at, taking on work that isn’t your responsibility and to committing to things for longer than is really necessary, because you don’t want to feel you are letting anyone down.
You might also find it hard to delegate tasks, especially if the tasks could be considered unpleasant or boring – and so you’re likely to hold on to extra work which could reasonably be expected to be done by others.
This is all extra work that’s not actually yours to do, but you still have your own work as well – and that means working extra hours to get things done.
Outside of work, people pleasers find it almost impossible to say no to friends, family and others when they ask for help, support or advice, and equally hard to say no to social events or helping with charity events or at clubs they belong to, which leaves them overloaded with things to do outside work too.
The double whammy twist here is that both at work and in your social life, people are actually more likely to ask you for help or to join them in something precisely because you never say no, which can make your to do list particularly cumbersome.
And, because criticism is so painful, when you’re doing all these things for other people, you may well tend to take extra time and care than is really needed, to be sure there really isn’t anything that could upset the person you’re helping (and this is particularly likely if you have a supporting “Be Perfect” driver!).
As if having a really long to do list wasn’t bad enough, there’s another way in which you may sabotage your work life balance, and add to your mental load, further.
When making a decision about something that involves someone else, procrastination is often the name of the game. Whether at work, or in life, you’re likely to avoid being the decision maker if possible, so you can avoid the possibility of making a decision that someone else doesn’t like. You’re also unlikely to be assertive in giving a viewpoint or making a suggestion when making a decision as part of a group, and very likely to hold off making a decision at all , for as long as you possibly can…. Even if the decision is something as small as what to have for dinner or what colour to paint the bathroom!
And be warned: if more than one of you involved in a decision has a “please people” driver this can be particularly acute. Someone recently told me about a couple who had been umming and ahhing about whether or not to get a cat for more than ten years….guess what drivers are at play there?!
How to Improve Your People Pleasing Stress and Work Life Balance, and Avoid Burnout
The key to getting back to a place where you are not overwhelmed by work and have time for your own things, is to be able to set and manage healthy boundaries.
You could start by ring-fencing time for your own responsibilities and for things that matter to you, and making it non-negotiable that this time is held.
Making your boundaries obvious and visible to others will make it easier to stick to them, and will reduce the likelihood that others will crash over them. Examples are putting time for specific tasks or your lunch break into a shared work calendar, or by making it clear when taking on a new contract what your working hours are and are not, or when you will be available to talk on the phone and when you aren’t.
Remember that managing boundaries, which means saying no to things, doesn’t mean you have to go from being someone that is kind and likes to say yes, to someone that is mean and says no! There’s a lot of space in between those two extremes!
Try this one on for size: “I’m a person that says yes whenever I can, but will say no when I need to, to make sure my own work and my own personal needs are met”
It can be helpful to remember that when you say “yes” to something, you are also saying “no” to something else… because our time is not unlimited. Giving yourself time to work out what you are saying “no” to if you say “yes” to something can be helpful in deciding which you will choose. It may be helpful to prepare a “holding” response to allow you to do this, something like:
“I’d love to help with this if I can. Let me go and check my diary to make sure I’m not going to let myself or someone else down in the process, and I’ll get back to you later to let you know one way or the other”.
If being assertive about a decision or saying no to anything or anyone feels really scary right now, practice doing it, so it gradually becomes more comfortable.
I recommend starting with something very small: assess, logically, the risk you’re taking, and when you can be sure that if you were rejected as a result it wouldn’t affect your life in any great way, give it a go! This could be deciding to be the first person to make a suggestion about where to go for a night out, or saying no to a social event with a close family member or friend that you know, logically, will not ditch you just because you don’t want to go out on a particular day!
If you aren’t convinced that their love for you is not conditional on you continuing to please them, why not arrange some conversations with good friends and family members (and perhaps also close colleagues that you trust), where you each share the things that you like and value about each other.
This can help you change your belief that these people, at least, will continue to love and care about you even if you say something they don’t agree with, ask them to help, or have to say no to something they ask you for: helping you feel more comfortable asking them for help or saying no once in a while.
You might also find it helpful to prepare some pleasant, but straightforward, ways to say no to things. This means you don’t have to think how to say no right at the moment you’re feeling anxious that you might upset someone: you can simply pick a version of no that you’ve already crafted and are happy with and use that. If you need it, ask someone who’s good with words and finds being assertive easier to help you work out turns of phrase that you’d feel comfortable using.
One big tip for saying no when you’re a people pleaser is this: Make it simple, and don’t give any room for negotiation!
You don’t have to justify saying no, but you’re likely to be tempted to give a good reason why you can’t do something, so that you can make it extra-clear that you really really really can’t do this and it’s not because you don’t want to or don’t like them. But if your excuse gives any room at all for the other person to negotiate with you, then you’re very likely to give in. Because if saying no once was hard, saying no for a second time is even harder!!
And finally, consider how you can turn your strength for kindness and helpfulness onto yourself, so you are kinder and more helpful to you. You are good at these things – so make a list of the ways you are currently kind/unkind to yourself and then plan how you can move some of the items in the “unkind” list into the “kind” one.
Want more help with your stress and work life balance?
I am Jo Lee, a professional coach specialising in helping high achievers that are struggling with work related stress and a poor work life balance, to ditch the cycle and get back in control of their workload and time, so they have more time and energy for the other things they love in life.
I offer flexible one to one coaching by Zoom or Teams: please contact me to find out more and set the ball rolling towards a more relaxed work life balance.
