Big girls don’t cry.

I recall my mum saying this to me countless times when I was small. I was the oldest child and I wanted to be a big, grown up girl. It seemed exciting.

So when I fell off my trike and grazed my knee, or when I spilt something, got upset and started crying, the best way my mum had to motivate me to stop crying (because she was probably tired and fed up with my wailing, or perhaps because she would feel if I stopped crying that was a sign I was actually OK), was to remind me that “big girls don’t cry”.

Children develop one, or sometimes two, of five deeply-held belief systems (“drivers”, Kahler 1975) in their early years, in order to ensure their parents will love them, and thereby meet their needs and keep them safe.

One of these drivers, “Be Strong”, means the child thinking they must be strong and capable, showing no weakness, in order that they will get the love of their parents, and the safety that goes with that.

As adults, we can usually see the false logic in this – our parents, in the vast majority of cases, love us unconditionally; their providing us with what we needed as toddlers was not dependent on our showing we are strong and capable!

As adults, we know that, in fact, big girls DO cry – especially the strong ones. (And I can reassure you that my mum fully subscribes to this).

But, having been developed at a time when that was not clear to us, there remains an underlying, subconscious, belief in those with a Be Strong driver that they must not show weakness, in order to be OK enough as a human being to be loved, accepted and not rejected.

This drive to be strong and capable and have no weaknesses is, of and in itself, neither a positive nor negative belief-system: in fact, if we have it, it drives us, unconsciously, to behave in ways that may be helpful or unhelpful to us as adults.

Let’s explore it a bit further.

Recognising a Be Strong driver

For those with a Be Strong driver, the overall aim is being seen as being calm and in control at all times. And they possess lots of positive attributes which drive positive, helpful behaviour both for themselves and others, as they go about demonstrating how self-reliant and in control they are.

They’re resilient, self-sufficient, good at getting things done and can usually be relied upon to do what they say they will.

Because they want to be seen as being so capable, they’re usually courageous and willing to give something a go even if they aren’t sure whether they can do it or not. That bravery (which others may see as confidence, even though self-confidence may not be what is actually being felt!) can lead to great learning, development of skills and abilities and the achievement of all kinds of things that may otherwise have gone by the wayside.

Emotionally, people with a Be Strong driver are generally able to remain detached and think logically and clearly when others around them may panic or become emotional – they’re great at staying calm under pressure, and may be at their best in a crisis situation.

And they don’t take things personally or get easily sucked into emotional situations – they often make great listeners, are able to deal with high levels of emotion, and are the kind of person that others will turn to when they need to offload or want help with something.

In fact, those with a Be Strong driver may well encourage you to turn to them when that’s what you need – they are generally generous and likely to help others whenever they can. When things are going well, this can make them great to have as a team-mate, and as a boss you may find they are generous with their time, as well as being good at giving clear, honest, straightforward feedback.

But having a Be Strong driver can also lead you to behave in ways that are more unhelpful to you.

The principle challenge is that because being seen as vulnerable, needy or unable to cope is something you want to avoid at all costs, this means asking for help is the last thing you want to do. And so you’re likely to struggle on alone with things for as long as possible before having to “admit defeat” and ask for help.

When things get tough, you may find yourself withdrawing somewhat: hiding yourself and your work away from view so there’s no chance of anyone discovering that you’re finding it hard to cope. So while you can be a generous team mate offering time and help when things are going well, when they aren’t going so well you may actually be seen as anything but a team-player, taking and holding things to yourself.

You probably find it hard to talk about your feelings and, in that effort to ensure you aren’t seen as vulnerable or emotional, you’ll also likely hold in your emotions, which can lead to others seeing you as being emotionless or cold and uncaring.

Likely Stressors if You Have a Be Strong Driver

You’re likely to bottle-up your emotions, so when things aren’t going well or you’re under particular pressure for any reason, the additional pressure of carrying around the negative emotions and anxiety you’re feeling just becomes too much. You may feel like a pressure cooker about to explode, but with the lid firmly clamped down!

Because of your calm, generous nature and the fact you don’t react wildly to emotions, others may well use you as something of a shoulder to cry on or to release their own aggression or woes onto. Dealing with their emotions as well as your own, on top of your crazy to do list, may eventually leave you feeling utterly emotionally overwhelmed.

You fear rejection for being seen as “not up to it”, so any situation in which it starts to become clear you’re going to have to ask for help or may need to expose personal weakness or vulnerability could make you feel anxious or stressed….while you keep going by yourself in the hope it won’t come to that.

And any situation in which you have to disclose how you feel, or where you believe you are going to come across as in some way vulnerable or needy, is likely to lead to anxiety or stress.

How being strong may lead to a poor work life balance and burnout

The Be Strong driver, and the helpful, giving, able to take on anything and cope way of being that comes with that, can also have significant downsides.

The result of wanting to avoid asking for help means when you attempt something new, or find something difficult, you will likely struggle on by yourself for as long as you possibly can (before “admitting defeat”). This means things take longer and use up more of your time than they really need to.

Delegating tasks or responsibilities can be really difficult, because it comes with a risk that others will judge you to be weak, or not good enough, if you can’t do everything yourself. So although you know that logically, you could delegate more than you do, you’re likely to hang onto everything on your to do list and keep doing things that others could easily do for you, to protect your “strong woman” (or man) persona in front of others.

It’s likely you rarely say no to others when they ask you for time or for help, because you like to demonstrate how capable and strong you are; proving you can juggle lots of things or achieve something that is difficult for someone else is a way of doing this.

As a result of both of these behaviours, you may be overloading your to-do list, both at work and in other areas of your life. And because you never say no, it’s even more likely that people will keep on asking you, creating more and more on your to-do list!

Taking on excessive workload in this way, coupled with the way you hold in and take on others emotions in the way that you do, is a solid recipe for burnout.

How to reduce your stress and improve your work life balance

First, reframe what being strong and capable actually is.

Change how you view “being strong” so that “being strong” comes to mean being strong about doing what is right for yourself and your personal needs and health, rather than being strong in the eyes of others.

Help your brain to make this change in understanding by reminding yourself every morning that today you will be strong for yourself, which means making decisions and choosing priorities that ensure your needs are met, before you start taking on the needs of others. Making sure your own needs are met will help you reduce stress.

Remind yourself regularly that being vulnerable and open about the fact you’re finding something difficult, asking for help, not having all the answers, feeling frustrated angry or emotional at how hard something is, doesn’t mean you can’t do it or can’t cope with it: it is nothing more than a demonstration that despite finding things hard you’re determined to keep going and are taking control of doing what you need to, to make that happen.

And be clear that the best way to appear strong while actually being strong is to be genuinely in control of what you do and why.

Ask yourself this: where, logically, is the strength in being out of control (even if it looks like you’re in control to everyone else)? Looking like you are in control means others seeing that you know when to ask for help advice or support, and recognising when you don’t have the answers or aren’t sure how to proceed… and both them and you knowing that that means you can now make it work because you’ll go and find the help that’s needed.

You’re great at giving. Now learn to take as well, by learning to ask others for help. This won’t feel comfortable to begin with – but you’re good at being courageous and brave, right? So use that positive attribute to help you with this.

Start with something small: this could be something that nobody else need know about, or something where you can easily see there will be a benefit to the person you are asking for help from, as well as to you. This benefit might be paying a professional to do a task that you’d usually do by yourself, or giving a colleague or a family member an opportunity to learn how to do something that will be of benefit in future. It might simply be gifting them the feeling of happiness at being able to help (because helping others is proven to be one of the key things that makes humans happy!)

Each day, write down anything you asked someone else for help with, what their response was, and what impact it made on you (both practically and emotionally) – this will help your brain build new neural pathways to help it understand that asking for help is not a bad thing to do.

Learn to recognise that when you say yes to doing yet another thing, you are effectively also saying no to someone or something else. Letting others down is very definitely nont something you are comfortable doing, but overloading your diary means that ultimately this is what will happen.

Before you automatically jump in and take on yet another task, make it non-negotiable to always give yourself time to think clearly and logically about what you’ll be saying no to, if you take it on. It might be fine to add to your list. Or you might be sacrificing a bigger priority. Just as likely is that the sacrifice you’ll be choosing is sleep, your health and wellbeing. Be clear about the swap you’re making and that you have a choice, before deciding whether to take it on now or not.

If you are finding that bottling up your emotions is causing you internal anxiety and stress, find a way to release this. Writing a journal can help or, when you’re really feeling stressed, angry and aggressive towards someone, try writing them a letter (which you won’t actually give them) as a way of releasing the tension and emotion you’re feeling.

Finding someone to be able to talk to confidentially to offload when you’re feeling stressed, upset or worried may also help. Think about who you feel able to trust to continue to like you and not judge you for being emotional or showing vulnerability – this could be a friend, relative or someone professional like a coach, supervisor or counsellor.

Want more help with your stress and work life balance?

I am Jo Lee, a professional coach specialising in helping high achievers that are struggling with work related stress and a poor work life balance, to ditch the cycle and get back in control of their workload and time, so they have more time and energy for the other things they love in life.

I offer flexible one to one coaching by Zoom or Teams: please contact me to find out more and set the ball rolling towards a more relaxed work life balance.