Perfectionism, or the drive to Be Perfect, is one of five deeply-held belief systems (“drivers”, Kahler 1975) that children develop in their early years, in order to ensure their parents will love them, and thereby meet their needs and keep them safe.

Imagine a home where there are regular cries to the toddler you of “oh well done, that’s perfect!” (whether or not the thing in question was or was not, in fact, objectively perfect), coupled with a huge hug that made you feel safe and secure.

Or perhaps there are obvious rewards given (a chocolate treat, a new toy) for impeccable behaviour in certain situations, or for tidying your room and making it perfectly organised before grandma came over.

Being “perfect” appeared to win us the reward of love and therefore safety.

As adults, we can usually see the false logic in this – our parents, in the vast majority of cases, love us unconditionally, and their providing us with what we needed as toddlers was not dependent on our being perfect!

As adults, perfectionists can (and quite possibly do) access the logic that perfection doesn’t exist… but conscious logical thinking is not what we do all the time.

And so, having developed this belief system at a time when that more logical perspective was not available, perfectionists then retain that underlying, subconscious, belief that, by definition, they, and the things they do, must be perfect in order to be OK enough as a human being to be loved, accepted and not rejected.

Perfectionism is neither positive nor negative of and in itself: when it leads us to to do things that are helpful it’s a positive, but when it drives behaviours that are unhelpful to us as adults, it becomes a negative aspect.

Let’s explore that a bit further.

Recognising a Be Perfect driver/Perfectionism

Perfectionists possess lots of positive attributes which drive positive, helpful behaviour.

Perfectionists set very high standards for themselves and often achieve a huge amount as a result– they tend to work hard towards achieving those high standards, with great quality output that can lead to significant success.

Perfectionists are often wise, and are usually purposeful and good at finding the best way to complete or achieve something.

And, as you’d expect, perfectionists generally produce accurate work, paying a lots of attention to detail along the way.

You can usually rely on a perfectionist to think ahead to the things that could go wrong, and have identified a way to avoid potential pitfalls. This means perfectionists are often well organised and plan well ahead of time to ensure problems are avoided.

On the other hand, the flip side of driving to achieve high standards means being equally driven to avoid the opposite: failure. Or, more accurately, being seen by others to fail or to be wrong about something.

And with a tendency to “black and white” thinking, perfectionists rarely see that that there is any alternative to either absolute success or complete failure – you may even notice a perfectionist demonstrating this thinking in extremes by using really polarising language when describing people, events or work (“it was absolutely amazing” or “it was an utter nightmare”… and not much in between).

And that can lead to some less helpful perfectionist behaviours.

For example, perfectionists tend to be risk-averse, which can lead to under-achievement or not taking on opportunities.

If you’re a perfectionist you may also give up on things more quickly or easily than others – as soon as you gain a sense that something can’t be completed perfectly, it’s preferable to stop than to discover you couldn’t do a perfect job.

Perfectionist-driven behaviours are likely to be particularly pronounced when anxious or under significant pressure, because the Be Perfect belief system was developed to help keep us safe, which is what our stress response drives us to do when we feel threatened in any way.

And whether they are usually helpful or unhelpful, those behaviours can become, in themselves, an additional problem to their perfectionist owner, because while appearing to solve and sooth a stressful situation, they often actually become a chronic cause of stress in themselves – that can ultimately lead, potentially, to burnout.

Likely Stressors for a Perfectionist

In an attempt to avoid being seen to be imperfect, to fail, or be wrong, perfectionists tend to overcome this fear by working harder and harder to perfect things in order to avoid the possibility that anything could “fail”.

If you’re a perfectionist, you need to feel in control of achieving the outcome you want, and the perception you may lose control of something could lead you to be anxious and/or stressed. This may happen if you perceive that others involved in something with you have lower standards than you, or are taking an illogical approach, for example.

You may also become stressed if you have taken on more than you can personally manage, as it becomes clear you cannot achieve everything you’ve set out to on your own and you start to fear (illogically and incorrectly of course), that this means you’re a failure.

Many perfectionists are very competitive – because if you aren’t better than everyone else, you must, by definition, be imperfect. Losing, or discovering someone else has done better or achieved more than you, can feel devastating, and may lead you to pile more pressure on yourself than you can really bear… resulting in a whole heap more anxiety and stress.

This competitive nature can exist even where an actual competition isn’t in play – manifesting itself through regular comparison with others, with the perfectionist judging themselves and their success only based on how they perceive their performance to be compared with others.

How perfectionism may lead to a poor work life balance and burnout

Perfectionists often find themselves with a very heavy workload, working long hours, leaving little down time to relax.

Wanting to achieve the best possible outcome often means you take longer over work than others (and more than is really necessary in many cases), as you strive to go that extra mile to ensure the result really is perfect… or rather, that nobody can find anything to pick fault with.

Whether it’s because you work more slowly as you take particular care over something, take longer to complete things because you are ensuring every detail is taken care of, or simply add length to a task/project in order to go above and beyond and consider every possible potential issue with it, it’s likely that you’re spending longer over many of the things you do than non-perfectionists would.

People with a Be Perfect driver generally want to remain in control of their work in order to make sure it can be done perfectly. As a result, many perfectionists struggle to delegate because they don’t trust that others will be able to do things to the same high standard that they do, and anything other than that perfect version will feel like failure and runs the risk of someone criticizing you, which you want to avoid at all costs. Without delegating, your workload grows and grows.

And in that desire to control the high-quality outcome of everything, you’re quite likely to take on more tasks and responsibilities than you can really manage– you may subconsciously feel someone perfect would be able to do everything – and this can make it hard to say no to people, particularly to people in authority where a judgement of being imperfect could potentially have consequences like losing your job, or to people for whom you are responsible, who might then judge you to be a poor leader. And so there’s a whole load more workload you’re taking on.

For some perfectionists, that means wanting to appear to be a super-hero like super-human (which stands to reason, because perfection is superhuman, it is not human to be perfect!). Super-human super-heros can of course, do anything and everything, whenever they want, without any effort…. except they do this thanks to the likes of magic capes, wands, crystal balls, X-ray vision, the ability to move around at the speed of light and so on. Real humans, however incredible they are, have significant limits!

Perfectionists are often procrastinators. The cause of a perfectionist’s procrastination is almost always a fear of not being able to do something, or getting something wrong (a terrifying prospect to confront). In putting things off, your brain subconsciously reasons that not doing it at all is better than doing it and failing.

When it comes to workload – and mental load – the other thing perfectionists often procrastination over is decision making.

Why? Because that tendency to think in black & white means when it comes to making a decision you generally feel there is a “right” choice and a “wrong” one. Choosing the wrong way equals failure, which you want to avoid at all costs. When you put off making a decision, that means not having to make one… which means not having to risk making the wrong decision. And that is helpful to your perfectionist instinct – you’ve successfully avoided discovering – or showing – an imperfection.

But you have a dilemma. Because while it’s helpful to be able to avoid getting something wrong, being driven to achieve as you are, as a perfectionist, you probably also see making the decision as important. So rather than just ignoring the decision that needs making, instead you keep looking for more and more information that could help you define the absolutely, definitely, completely, right (no risk) option to choose.

But all that thinking and information gathering – a kind of “analysis paralysis” – takes up a lot of extra time, which you probably don’t even realise you are spending, because to you if feels like that time spent researching and analysing is absolutely essential in order to reach the right decision. It can also drive anxiety, sleepless nights and difficulty switching off from those unresolved decisions.

How to improve your perfectionist’s stress and work life balance, and avoid burnout

If decision making is difficult, start by identifying whether the decision you’re making is a big decision or a small one. Practice forcing yourself to take some decisions quickly (without accounting for all risks/possibilities), starting with “small” decisions.

When you make a decision that feels risky, note down what you believe the worst possible outcome could be, then note down what you decide and ultimately write down what the outcome actually was: build evidence that you are making effective decisions, even when there is some risk involved

You need to learn to delegate tasks and, ideally, whole sets of responsibilities, to others (delegating responsibility for doing the thinking, and not just the doing, is what makes the biggest positive impact on your mental load). Commit to practicing delegating, and start small: delegate less important tasks and build up from there, and gain evidence as you do so that differences don’t necessarily mean disaster.

Practice getting some things wrong, or imperfect, deliberately. Identify something each day that you will do at deliberately less than 100% of your usual effort, and gain evidence for yourself that you are not criticised nor rejected when things are not “perfect”. Again, start small: you will need bravery to do this, so begin by choosing things that you can logically see will not have any dire consequence. This could be deliberately including a spelling mistake in something, not re-drafting an email ten times to make it perfect, or even wearing something less than ideal to an event… or perhaps it could be going to the supermarket without wearing make-up?!

“Perfect” is not only unattainable, it’s in the eye of the beholder. When you are doing a piece of work or undertaking a task for someone else, ask them to be very clear about what they require. Make sure you understand that a “perfect” outcome is delivering what they need – not what you would want or expect from it. Ask them what would be a great outcome for them….and aim to deliver that, and only that.

Reminding yourself regularly that what constitutes “perfect” is subjective, and talking with friends or colleagues about what their idea of a “perfect x/y/z” is, may help you re-frame perfectionism generally.

Try setting yourself the goal of achieving “appropriate and reasonable” in each task for a week, and stop when you reach that point.

When setting yourself goals or targets, give yourself a target range for success – minimum, ideal and stretch. You will have succeeded once you reach the minimum target, and then it’s up to you whether to choose to spend more time achieving more, or whether to spend that time doing something else. As a bonus, you will also be less likely to give up at the first sign the stretch-target isn’t possible to achieve too!

Avoid the anxiety of comparison-itis by limiting the amount of time you spend on social media or in discussion groups. Remember, people only show you what they are happy for you to see… and you are probably making a lot of assumptions based on a very narrow view into someone’s life or work, with little idea about what else is happening in the background, or what it took to get there!

Finally, explore your belief that others will be pleased by and love you only if you are perfect and do not fail. Look for evidence that demonstrates, logically, that this isn’t true (when have you failed to achieve something in the past? What happened? How did the people around you react? How did you react when someone you love or respect did something that wasn’t perfect, or got something wrong… do you still love or respect them?).

Reframe perfection, and remind yourself regularly that:

Above all, work on developing a new belief (or set of beliefs) that you do believe to be logically true, that you can regularly remind yourself, to remove some pressure.

The drive to be perfect is deep rooted and will always be there, but that doesn’t mean you have to follow it when it’s unhelpful – you have a choice about what you do and how you do them, and developing new beliefs that counter your existing ones can help you to make more helpful choices.

Want more help with your perfectionist stress and work life balance?

I am Jo Lee, a professional coach specialising in helping high achievers that are struggling with work related stress and a poor work life balance, to ditch the cycle and get back in control of their workload and time, so they have more time and energy for the other things they love in life.

I offer flexible one to one coaching by Zoom or Teams: please contact me to find out more and set the ball rolling towards a more relaxed work life balance.